August 2009 Article
Choose to Wink

Winking is a lost art. I rarely see it done. I remember my father and his buddies used to do it a lot when I was a child. I often wondered what the winking was all about. As I grew older, I realized that winking could mean a variety of things. It could mean a friendly greeting. It could mean, “I think you are fantastic.” It could mean, “I am flirting with you.” It could mean that something was just said or done that was really a joke. A wink between my parents often meant that a secret was being kept; like what they got one of their children for Christmas.

So why do I bring this up? Well, I wanted to discuss how gestures connect you with people by creating a positive feeling in the other person towards you. When you meet a person for the first time, you usually offer the gesture of a handshake. When you see someone you know struggling to get out of a chair or off the floor, you offer that person a hand. When a woman gets out of a car and a gentleman is around, he offers her his hand as she alights. It never fails that when I choose to sit next to a guy named Kent at a Rotary club meeting, he will arise and pull my chair back for me to sit at the table. I notice that when I am at large dinner gatherings and get up from the table, a male who had been taught etiquette will arise from his chair. Gestures by you create feelings in others.

Each one of these gestures gives you a touchstone to enhance and embellish the connection you can create with that person. When you offer a gesture, the person receiving it feels warmly towards you. When you give a person a firm handshake, that person feels valued. When you help a person who is struggling, that person feels grateful. When you help a person to alight from a car, that person feels worthwhile. When you pull back a chair or arise when someone leaves the table, that person feels respected. In each case, your momentary gesture creates a feeling with a warm afterglow that may last for hours, days or years.

These mannerly gestures do not leave out females. Our changing gender roles in the new millennium challenges females to exhibit like gestures once reserved for males. For instance, whoever reaches a door first, regardless of gender, holds the door open for others. Likewise, whoever extends an invitation for drinks or dinner, regardless of gender, is responsible for paying the bill. Whoever reaches an elevator first or is closest to the doors when they open, regardless of gender, enters or exits an elevator first.

The main thing to remember is respect for others and that goes both ways. Be courteous regardless of your gender. When you are courteous, people have experiences of you that create feelings in them towards you. Do you want those feelings to be negative or positive? If you choose positive, then do you want their feelings to be minimal or enhanced? By applying the extra effort of courtesy, you increase the warm feeling in others towards you. And you never know what rewards your little gesture might bring you in the future. Your kindness can return to you tenfold.

Although all of what I have been discussing is generally classified as manners or etiquette, I want to return to the simple wink. Do an experiment. Try winking in an appropriate setting. (Do not get yourself in a sexual harassment situation by winking in inappropriate settings.) See what results you have from your simple wink. See if your spouse hugs you a little more after a simple little wink. See if your children laugh more after a simple little wink. See if your friend wonders what you are up to after a simple little wink. See how your elderly neighbor’s eyes sparkle after a simple little wink. Try winking more. And don’t forget to add the manners too.

So you can choose to wink or not. When you choose to wink, you will notice people smiling more at you. When people smile more at you, they are giving you a sign that they feel warmly towards you. When someone feels warmly towards you, you are more connected with them. When you are more connected with them, you feel valued. When you feel valued, you are more satisfied with your life. When you are more satisfied with your life, you are a happier person. So choose to wink.